Ruddy Buddy

A story explaining why Paul Rudd doesn’t age and is in everything.

Paul Rudd fell onto the designer sectional nestled in a corner in front of the window in the living room that showed the panoramic view of New York City. He was not the young man he once was, though you couldn’t really tell by looking at him.

His peace was disturbed by the chorus to Bone Thugs n Harmony’s “Tha Crossroads.” He prepared himself for the sight of Kansas crossroads, close to where he grew up, this was the office of agent-crossroad demon Katelyn May Phisto. Other clients included: Justin Bieber and Lena Dunham. Her desk was dead center in the deserted, dirt road intersection.
“Take a seat, Paul.”

Mephistopheles flying over Wittenberg, in a lithography by Eugne Delacroiz 

 

A chair appeared in front of her desk.
“I usual come and her and take the scripts, but I have two questions,” said Paul Rudd, crossing his legs and leaning back in the chair.
“Sure, let’s talk for once. We never talk.”
“Why are you able to sit in a crossroad, but if someone makes a cross symbol at you or shows you a cross, it frightens you or hurts you?”
“A cross represents Christian belief. Crossroads have long been a symbol of choice, and they appear as symbols of choice in work that precedes Christianity. Oedipus Rex, Oedipus killed his father at a crossroad.”
“That’s cool!” said Paul Rudd in a way more friendly than necessary, but out of good conscience.
“I am full of trivia.”
“My second question: why Bone Thugs n Harmony?”

 

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Let it be noted Paul Rudd only hears the chorus of “Tha Crossroads.” Not much more than, “See you at the crossroads/So you won’te be lonely/See you at the crossroads…”

“It’s an amazing song, and I love irony,” said Katelyn May.
A secretary appeared bringing files and coffee for Katelyn May. The secretary looked identical to her. Paul Rudd always assumed it was another incarnation of her, as was the receptionist who typed away at a smaller desk a few feet away.

Hecate, goddess of magic

 

“Thanks,” said Katelyn May to her doppelganger secretary. She said to Paul Rudd, her client, “I’ve been around for a long time, and I’ve gone by many names.”
“Were the Olympians real?”
“Listen, Ruddy Buddy, you are not here to hear me divulge my infinite knowledge. This is about business.”
“And I’m glad for that. I need to talk to you about the contract,” said Paul Rudd demurely.
“You want to re-negotiate?”
“Yes,” said Paul Rudd.
Katelyn May adjusted herself in her seat and cracked her neck before she set her hands primly on her desk. “You started out as a kid out of drama school doing Nintendo and car commercials. You are getting one role after another like you wanted!”
“Yes, but I’m on a set 95% of the year, and you force it on me!”
“There’s always a catch. That’s the catch.”
“If I can’t re-negotiate the contract, I want out of it.”
Katelyn May and her two doppelgangers looked at Paul Rudd and lit up cigarettes.
“Paul,” said Katelyn May, “if you weren’t so damn cute and loveable, I would have been a lot harder on you. By taking on all these roles and doing as I tell you, you have a chance of getting back your soul in the end. I don’t have to be so kind. I can send your soul to my boss, and I can take your life right now, like a rug from under your feet.”
“Okay.”

Paul Rudd in Year One

“I may represent you, but I also represent Lucy’s Talent Agency.” She took a pause to lean back in her chair and look at him fondly. “Twenty-five years, but you haven’t aged a day.”
“And I thank you for that.”
“Oh, it wasn’t me,” said Katelyn May. “It was some photographer you met back in the day. He put a spell on the photograph he took of you.” She had a moment to reconsider, “Since he used magic, I was involved, but not directly.”
“What about the photograph?” asked Paul Rudd.
“It ages and you don’t. The photographer is the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde. You know, I had hopes for Oscar’s soul this time, but then he has to use black magic, so he’s going to have to get reincarnated again. I think he’ll be a girl. That’s the only way he’s going to get through it this time.”
“Reincarnation is real?” asked Paul Rudd.
“Provided you don’t lose your soul,” Katelyn May answered, “Otherwise it goes south for eternity.”
“So when I die, I’ll get reincarnated?”
“You’re a good guy. I’ve seen you do some stupid things in past lives that got you grounded. I say you deserve to be let up this time. Reincarnation is a brutal punishment, having to live all over again,” said Katelyn May in a sympathetic way.
Katelyn May handed Paul Rudd two scripts. “You’re going to be in both of those.”
“Are they any good?”
“The one with the main part is pretty good, should make a good buck, provided everything happens as it should. The other one is going to bomb, but it’s just a supporting role, 80 lines.”
“You know a lot. Do I break my contract?”
“I can’t know something like that. All of that is up to you.”
It appeared Paul Rudd understood. With a nod, he said, “Thank you, Katelyn May.”
“We’re done here.”

Cerberus, the hound of Hades

Paul Rudd was back home, on the sectional, with the scripts in his hands. He could hear Katelyn May’s voice, *both of them start shooting next week*.

Katelyn May rested her ass against the front edge the desk and looked out on the endless road in front of her. She said to her doppelgangers, “This was easier when there were only three roads.”
“That was your last appointment for today,” said a secretary.
The three women merged into one before turning into a three-headed dog and going back to Hell.

View story at Medium.com

View story at Medium.com

A List of Thoughts and Questions I had While Watching Tallulah (2016)

Featuring comparisons between Juno (2007) and Tallulah (2016)

  • Hip opening song

  • It really rushed into the topless scene. It was weird to have that come out of nowhere. I’ve had a girl crush on Ellen Page since I was 13, and to all of a sudden see her topless was strange. But it says something about the movie that nudity is handled non-chalantly. Maybe Lena Dunham’s good for something besides starting Adam Drivers career.*

  • *Kidding, kind of

  • Tallulah could be friends with Juno. They would definitely take to each other.

    • DAS

  • The scene where Lu talks about the magazine with the picture of the woman in the Himalayas makes me think of the scene in Juno where Juno talks about giving her baby to a graphic designer.

  • There’s a scene of Lu peeing. Are you kidding me?

  • Shout out to The Kids in the Hall

    • aefae
  • Now for something completely different

    • qerwe

  • I get it, you’re quirky.

    • adss
  • I’m a turtle slut. I wish Allison Janney wouldn’t insult her turtle.

  • Calling it now. Margo ends up with the doorman.

  • By the time the baby’s mother kissed Lu, I wanted Lu to take the baby and run.

  • I’m not sure if Lu should bathe with baby Madison, but the mother probably doesn’t bathe her often.

  • I’m assuming we’ll find out who the mother went out with.

  • “Dude”

  • Take the baby!

  • All I know about Allison’s character is that she is Nico’s mother and has a turtle. But I can’t not love someone who carries this many books.

    • rrr
  • It’s like every movie I watched on IFC, Indiplex, and the Sundance Channel as a teenager had a baby.

  • OH NO! NOT THE TURTLE!

    • fefe
  • “Isn’t she just the coolest, weirdest thing you’ve ever seen? She’s so little!” You’re projecting Lu.

  • Juno: finger nails

    Lu: Toe nails

  • “Were you raised by wolves?”

    “I wish.”

    • Gold

  • ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

  • asdsaws.jpg
    • You guys are getting weird.

  • Love the doorman, Margo. I know you’re taller than him, but you’re a strong woman and you don’t need a tall man to protect you. You can protect yourself.

  • Oh shit. The news is on. Margo is going to find out.

    • No

  • That is an interesting way of using a flashback; seemingly integrating it into the present. This is probably a dream.

  • It’s not that they think it’s weird you want to be a dishwasher. They think you’re making a King Missile reference.

  • Oh. That’s interesting. I didn’t expect Nico’s father would have left Margo because he was homosexual.

  • Thanks, Ellen Page, for making me question my sexuality as you flirt with a guy.

    • asxaaw
  • Allison Janney, PhD in being an Amazonian Goddess.

    • sfeew
  • This is too damn awkward! Help!

  • Formula: Lu laying down + Margo’s hair up + Lu and Margo sitting beside each other facing the same direction = Shit getting deep.

    • luno1
  • Every indie movie + one of my favorite 90’s movies Baby’s Day Out

  • Zachary Quinto (representing my neck of Penn’s Woods) as the gay

  • Oh, shit. Steven knows.

  • Steven’s a dick.

  • SHIT REALLY THIS IS HOW

  • I don’t know how I want this to go

  • He’s back!

  • Shit. He’s going to tell her.

  • DON’T DIVE IN

  • Sound doesn’t work that way

  • Oh. Dream.

  • “We’re all horrible, and we’re all just people.”

    • Moral

  • Wow a payphone. I haven’t seen one of those since I went to DC and found one in Hirshorn. I thought it was part of the gallery.

  • She’s sick. Why’s she going? Why are they leaving?

  • Lu may be getting arrested for a crime she did out of good conscience, but she should have been arrested a lot of times for crimes committed for personal gain.

  • “So you make a habit of taking toddlers into protective custody?”

  • There’s only five minutes left. There’s no time for artsiness. I need closure.

  • She grabbed onto the branch.

  • I guess that’s my closure.

Other thoughts

  • Juno was pretty close with her van too

  • This good have gone for an ending with closure, but it would either be realisitc and sad or unrealistic and out of sync with the rest of the movie. I understand that the ending isn’t realistic, but it’s symbolic.

  • I’m really pissed that the dream sequences reminded me of a book I’ve been writing for two years.Maybe its a sign that I shoud continue writing, after all, Juno was one of those movies that had a profound effect on me, for more on that go here.

  • Allison Janney is a damn gem.

  • Not only does the movie reign in Juno fans, but it also features two leads who already displayed exceptional chemistry. Ten years ago. God.

  • Lu wasn’t as hip as Juno, but she’s also less annoying.

I give it a seven out of ten.

 

ADHD Thoughts

If you would enjoy any insight into the high-functioning, ADHD mind, examine this chronology of thinking.

Kevin Kline

Kevin Kline in the film Orange County

Kevin Kline is one of the most influential people for me

Wild, Wild West

Road to El Derado

This scene from Orange County

An essay on my hometown

Other thoughts:

  • I watched this  on the WB when I was ten. Why was I allowed to watch so many teen movies at that age?
  • Catherine O’Hara and John Lithgow are important, too.
  • And Schuyler Fisk
  • Could the love for Faulkner I found as a adult at all been subconsciously influenced by this movie?
  • Joyce?
  • I only watched this movie because  I saw the WB was going to show it made me think of the OC, for obvious reasons.
  • I will never stop believing the only reason the WB showed Orange County was for the people who were watching The OC instead of One Tree Hill
  • I watched One Tree Hill because my sister did.
  • I got her into watching The OC when they showed season 1 during the summer before season 2.
  • I miss The OC

Based on the Self-Help Book Queen Bees and Krakens from the Seas


I did not have positive role models growing up.

My family inspired me to not do things. The only time I can remember looking up to people in a way to carry myself was a time time has finally distanced me enough from to feel comfortable enough to talk about.

It happened the summer of seventh grade.

I was trying to teach myself to assimilate with the kids at school by watching Mean Girls continuously for study, disregarding the message of accepting others the way they are and not tearing others down to build yourself up. It’s shameful to recall. It makes me feel icky, inauthentic, and impure. My new wanna-be identity did not do anything for me, except give me a fashion sense, or what I would call a fashion sense. Midway through I was diagnosed with diabetes. I had been feeling like I was dying for several months. I went home sleeping for hours, but I figured I was exhausted from the facade I was trying to act out. Eck.

One big movie from 2007 was Juno. I watched it in the spring of 2008 on DVD, remember DVDs? I remember being taken by Juno’s constant pop culture references, and how true to herself she was about who she was. I have been employing truthfulness with myself with age. As I comb my past, I see how diabetes (a lack of one hormone) was like blindness in how the lose of one type of hormone engendered others, and the angst awoke like a Kraken from the sea in the following summer. A pivotal time where I realized I disliked who I tried to be. I tested the waters of a false identity. In reality I was my best when I had no thought about whether or not I was my best. I was just me. Summer of 2008 Me had to be her own Mufasa, telling herself to remember who I was, and I continue to make my way to shore (Kraken metaphor again) while learning from my mistakes.

I will now practice the ancient, noble art of quoting Mean Girls.

“She doesn’t even go here.” Wasn’t that a theme in the movie: fitting in, being a certain way that the microsociety of high school deems the way to be, lest your presence not be palatable, and you won’t belong?

I have worked it out. I am a cross between Ms. Norbury, Janis, and the girl with a lot of feeling. I think that Janis and Juno would be great friends, should the fictional worlds of Juno and Mean Girls ever collide anywhere besides my dreams.It’s a world where Paulie Bleeker AND Aaron Samuels are leading men. It’s a world where the artsy outcast has sex and the regulation hottie is also mathlete, and everyone calls her a homeschooled, jungle freak behind her back. A world where middle school was worth crying over how much of a Utopia it was,where Mean Girls 2 does not exist, and it has an incredible soundtrack.