Ruddy Buddy

A story explaining why Paul Rudd doesn’t age and is in everything.

Paul Rudd fell onto the designer sectional nestled in a corner in front of the window in the living room that showed the panoramic view of New York City. He was not the young man he once was, though you couldn’t really tell by looking at him.

His peace was disturbed by the chorus to Bone Thugs n Harmony’s “Tha Crossroads.” He prepared himself for the sight of Kansas crossroads, close to where he grew up, this was the office of agent-crossroad demon Katelyn May Phisto. Other clients included: Justin Bieber and Lena Dunham. Her desk was dead center in the deserted, dirt road intersection.
“Take a seat, Paul.”

Mephistopheles flying over Wittenberg, in a lithography by Eugne Delacroiz 

 

A chair appeared in front of her desk.
“I usual come and her and take the scripts, but I have two questions,” said Paul Rudd, crossing his legs and leaning back in the chair.
“Sure, let’s talk for once. We never talk.”
“Why are you able to sit in a crossroad, but if someone makes a cross symbol at you or shows you a cross, it frightens you or hurts you?”
“A cross represents Christian belief. Crossroads have long been a symbol of choice, and they appear as symbols of choice in work that precedes Christianity. Oedipus Rex, Oedipus killed his father at a crossroad.”
“That’s cool!” said Paul Rudd in a way more friendly than necessary, but out of good conscience.
“I am full of trivia.”
“My second question: why Bone Thugs n Harmony?”

 

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Let it be noted Paul Rudd only hears the chorus of “Tha Crossroads.” Not much more than, “See you at the crossroads/So you won’te be lonely/See you at the crossroads…”

“It’s an amazing song, and I love irony,” said Katelyn May.
A secretary appeared bringing files and coffee for Katelyn May. The secretary looked identical to her. Paul Rudd always assumed it was another incarnation of her, as was the receptionist who typed away at a smaller desk a few feet away.

Hecate, goddess of magic

 

“Thanks,” said Katelyn May to her doppelganger secretary. She said to Paul Rudd, her client, “I’ve been around for a long time, and I’ve gone by many names.”
“Were the Olympians real?”
“Listen, Ruddy Buddy, you are not here to hear me divulge my infinite knowledge. This is about business.”
“And I’m glad for that. I need to talk to you about the contract,” said Paul Rudd demurely.
“You want to re-negotiate?”
“Yes,” said Paul Rudd.
Katelyn May adjusted herself in her seat and cracked her neck before she set her hands primly on her desk. “You started out as a kid out of drama school doing Nintendo and car commercials. You are getting one role after another like you wanted!”
“Yes, but I’m on a set 95% of the year, and you force it on me!”
“There’s always a catch. That’s the catch.”
“If I can’t re-negotiate the contract, I want out of it.”
Katelyn May and her two doppelgangers looked at Paul Rudd and lit up cigarettes.
“Paul,” said Katelyn May, “if you weren’t so damn cute and loveable, I would have been a lot harder on you. By taking on all these roles and doing as I tell you, you have a chance of getting back your soul in the end. I don’t have to be so kind. I can send your soul to my boss, and I can take your life right now, like a rug from under your feet.”
“Okay.”

Paul Rudd in Year One

“I may represent you, but I also represent Lucy’s Talent Agency.” She took a pause to lean back in her chair and look at him fondly. “Twenty-five years, but you haven’t aged a day.”
“And I thank you for that.”
“Oh, it wasn’t me,” said Katelyn May. “It was some photographer you met back in the day. He put a spell on the photograph he took of you.” She had a moment to reconsider, “Since he used magic, I was involved, but not directly.”
“What about the photograph?” asked Paul Rudd.
“It ages and you don’t. The photographer is the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde. You know, I had hopes for Oscar’s soul this time, but then he has to use black magic, so he’s going to have to get reincarnated again. I think he’ll be a girl. That’s the only way he’s going to get through it this time.”
“Reincarnation is real?” asked Paul Rudd.
“Provided you don’t lose your soul,” Katelyn May answered, “Otherwise it goes south for eternity.”
“So when I die, I’ll get reincarnated?”
“You’re a good guy. I’ve seen you do some stupid things in past lives that got you grounded. I say you deserve to be let up this time. Reincarnation is a brutal punishment, having to live all over again,” said Katelyn May in a sympathetic way.
Katelyn May handed Paul Rudd two scripts. “You’re going to be in both of those.”
“Are they any good?”
“The one with the main part is pretty good, should make a good buck, provided everything happens as it should. The other one is going to bomb, but it’s just a supporting role, 80 lines.”
“You know a lot. Do I break my contract?”
“I can’t know something like that. All of that is up to you.”
It appeared Paul Rudd understood. With a nod, he said, “Thank you, Katelyn May.”
“We’re done here.”

Cerberus, the hound of Hades

Paul Rudd was back home, on the sectional, with the scripts in his hands. He could hear Katelyn May’s voice, *both of them start shooting next week*.

Katelyn May rested her ass against the front edge the desk and looked out on the endless road in front of her. She said to her doppelgangers, “This was easier when there were only three roads.”
“That was your last appointment for today,” said a secretary.
The three women merged into one before turning into a three-headed dog and going back to Hell.

View story at Medium.com

View story at Medium.com

Quote of the Day

I was unwell yesterday, I keep on trying to schedule these well beforehand, but I feel it’s better to have them done on the same day, and not queued up. I don’t know why, it would make a lot more sense, since I’d be queuing the quotes.

“It seems odd, don’t you think, that the quality of the food should vary inversely with the brightness of the lighting. Makes you wonder what culinary heights the kitchen staff could rise to if you confined them to perpetual darkness.” – from Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams.

“Do you think the archangel Gabriel thinks anything the less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that particular instance? Who ain’t a slave? Tell me that. Well, then, however the old sea-captains may order me about–however they may thump and punch me about, I have the satisfaction of knowing that it is all right; that everybody else is one way or other served in much the same way–either in a physical or metaphysical point of view, that is; and so the universal thump is passed round, and all hands should rub each other’s shoulder-blades, and be content.”

– from Moby Dick by Herman Melville.

Quote of the Day

Double…………………………………………

DOSE

“You don’t love us, Barney. You don’t even know us.” – Bobcat Goldthwait on Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Quote #2

“My father hated books, hated the sight of anyone reading or writing.

My mother hated the thought that any of her sons should be condemned to manual labour. Her sons must have some- thing higher than that.

She won. But she died first.

He laughs longest who laughs last.”

-DH Lawrence, “Nathaniel Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter”

 

Quote of the Day

“The thing about Dan [Radcliffe] is, like, he unlike any other actor I’ve worked with get mobbed…He transcends actor and he’s, I guess, iconic, you would say…It’s really strange to be with him, because he gets recognized in a way that most actors don’t…He gets recognized in a way that I think people associate their childhoods with him.”

Jesse Eisenberg